This isn't a self pity post

Last August I made a tumblr post that’s got a life of its own - about how being successful in a way that feels satisfying and being more successful than average are different metrics, and you can be doing statistically well compared to most other people on the internet but still feel like you’re getting no attention.

The post is in a bit of a resurgence right now, and it’s good timing for me. I’m struggling a little with my output. Being sick this week has put a damper on my ability to work on various projects, or even clean up after myself around the house, and it’s disheartening to click into my newsletter home page and see the flat line that represents the (unintentional) break I’ve taken recently from writing on here. I’ve enjoyed the little reminder in my notifications that actually, the fact I have readers at all is better than average. The fact I write anything at all makes my output more than most people’s. It’s just surrounding myself with artists and writers that makes me feel slack.

When I’m like this, bedridden by the cold weather and a cold virus, it’s too easy to be like some of the men in my life who completely ignore their bodies, to the point where it becomes a problem. They had to do an autopsy on my granddad because it had been two decades since he’d seen a doctor and they had no idea what killed him. Another man I know who has a chronic illness started treating it seriously for the first time and was completely unsure how to deal with the difference in feeling it meant for him, but it took nearly loosing a limb (and his wife’s intervention) to get him to treat it in the first place.

I bring these men up because it occurs to me that these aren’t happy men who just aren’t noticing their illnesses, but men who think they need to earn care and rest. I’m not an active person, and I work very little. With streaming and my volunteer job, I do nine hours a week at most. So it’s hard for me to “justify” the amount of time I take off to care for my body. If I’m not hitting my schedule, or not producing at the speed I think I can manage on my good days, I feel like I’ve got to push harder.

Here’s the bullet points from my tumblr post again, if you didn’t read it, or read it then came back and have forgotten them:

• In professional marketing, 5% of viewers engaging with a post is positive turnover.

• 5% of engagers will click the link

• 5% of link clickers will buy the product

• On twitch, the average number of views a live stream has is between 0 and 1

• According to social media professionals, 10% of users do all the posting. The other 90% may not even comment.

When I think I’m doing bad, and I’m not working hard enough, these statistics really help, not just in terms of reminding me that at least I’m doing better than I could, but reminding me of the quality of the community around my writing and streaming. My newsletter open rate is closer to 60% than 5%. My streams, on average, have much closer to 3 viewers than 0, and on a good day over 5 percent of my follower count on twitch will be actively chatting.

Am I anywhere near doing these things professionally? No. But for someone who is struggling to put in 9 hours a week, I think I’m doing okay.

Sometimes, a little perspective is exactly what we need to keep us going.

If my chest isn’t killing me in the morning, and I’m not coughing too much, I’ll see you on stream. If not, I’ll catch you when my body permits, as is the way.